Stressing, worrying and going crazy.

I've been stressed to the absolute limit here lately, mostly about money, but it's definitely not the only thing.

We're doing fine right now with finances, we fixed my truck for a lot less than I thought it was going to take, so now we don't have to worry so much about saving ton fix his car. We still definitely put a lot in savings, but now it doesn't have to be every extra penny, which makes me feel so much better.

Just last week we bought a new washer & dryer and a fridge :) and that night Justin bought me the Paula Dean pan set I've been wanting(and realllly needing), the huge Paula Dean cutting board I needed & some new tupperwere. He also left me extra money this week to get a much needed pedicure since I can non longer reach my toes & to get my eyebrows waxed! Such a wonderful man :) He really does spoil me to no end...

I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life and I feel like I can never tell him enough how much I appreciate everything he's done for me and our soon to be family. He's an amazing man and going to be an even more amazing father. We've talked in depth about marriage and even though we're not officially engaged he still calls me his future wife or fiance, never just his girlfriend anymore. I'm more worried about making sure Brantley has everything he'll need before we spend money on a ring & get married, but it's going to happen as soon as I have a ring :)

So I really don't have a big reason to worry about money for the next few months, Thank God! However, I know once Brantley's here everything's going to change... People have told me that since I'm going to breastfeed all I'll need to worry about is buying diapers, but diapers are expensive, and I know diapers aren't going to be the only added monthly expense.

I've also come to realize that pregnancy has made me even more hateful and bitter than I used to be... I've hit 24 weeks and I'm so big, I never sleep anymore, I'm always sweating, and being so close to the third trimester has me anxious and extreamly nervous!

Justin & mines friend came over for dinner with his new girlfriend he wanted us to meet and I absolutely hated having company, the entire time. Of course it doesn't help that they thought it was okay to show up 2 hours late with a meal that takes another 2 hours to cook(when Justin had to leave for work in just a few hours), then proceed to put there muddy shoes on my expensive furniture. I'm just not a people person anymore, at all! I never really used to be, but now I've lost the last bit of tolerance I used to have.

Time for a change...

Well we found out that IT'S A BOY! we have our little Brantley Dean Polk on the way and couldn't be happier. I'm 19 weeks 2 days, and feel like I have NO time to do everything that needs done. I finally found a crib/ changing table I like that won't cost an arm and a leg, thanks to Craigslist. We have the car seat & stroller, and the swing. As well as having the nursery theme planned, I just have to order the bedding now. I feel like we have the major bases covered for the big things. I buy clothes just about every time I leave the house, but still have next to nothing.

I'm blessed enough to be getting two baby showers and can't be thankful enough for that. In July I'll be road tripping up to Michigan with my mom and sister, my oldest sisters are throwing me a shower with my whole huge family up there. My mother in law will be throwing one down here some time in August. So that's a huge help.

Back around Christmas Justin and I moves in with his mom to help with money, and now his mom & step dad are moving out and leaving us with the house, which was wonderful. Well, today my nana asked if we'd want to rent her house when she moves to a different farm in the next year or so. So we have the trailer for now, then nana's house after a while & can't believe how much we lucked out on that one!

Good things come to those who wait;

Okay, maybe not... More like those with connections and those that work there asses off.

Well, Justin got his job off shores... it's changed everything, but for the better. He does one week on one week off, which is the beat deal you can get out there.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to continue with LPN school, which sucks, but I've since realized I don't wanna be a nurse. Funny right? I'll go to cosmetology school here shortly.

But SURPRISE, I'm pregnant with our first little grape :)

Finally catching a break ;

Let me start by saying I started school back on Monday, and it's been hard to get back in to the swing of things. My test score today was less than what I consider acceptable.

But, on a better note, Justin's step dad works off shores, and found Justin a job out there, it shouldn't be but another month and he'll be earning the big bucks, well bigger bucks than we're used to. This would mean so many good things for us, and our future.  We've talked very seriously about marriage, and as soon as he has a ring on my finger we're doing it. I'd have my dream car shorty there after, since he would only drive to Louisiana and back twice a month he would take my car I'm buying in the next few weeks. We would be able to start a savings account... Something we should both already have but can't seem to get started. We could seriously look in to our first home together, and we'd be more than financially ready for our first baby we both want so badly. I can drop one of my 3 shifts over the weekend, leaving me only working 1 day a week, and maybe get a whole day to myself to catch up on life and the house.

As much as I'd hate the 2 weeks on 2 weeks off, it's for the good of our relationship.

Happy weight;

I know I'm not the only girl out there that puts on the happy pounds...

In the 3 months that we've been together (4 months including when we started talking) I've put on 20lbs. On top of the 20lbs(ish) I gained right out of High School... I know it's something I have control over, but as dumb as it sounds I feel like I gained it over night... it wasn't gradual, just bam! One day none of my jeans fit & I felt like a busted can of biscuits no matter what I wore.

My weight was always a struggle, and HUGE insecurity for me all through HS. I finally began realizing that my weight, in no way, shape, or form defines me as a person. I still feel that way, but I'm so uncomfortable with myself I don't ever want to do anything. My boyfriend loves me, and my body just how it is. But I just can't look at myself the way I used too.

I know diets & working out are the obvious answer, but my life is just so hectic. I'm a full time 5 day a week, 6 hours a day nursing student, I work 24 hours over the weekend, then add in homework, my 45 minute drive to get anywhere, and then just normal errands, I have NO free time. If I didn't live with my boyfriend, I'd never see him.

I'm going to try to atleast eat better, I can't stick with a 'diet', but something's got to give. I want to start feeling better about myself.

I'll leave you with some pictures of me back when I liked my body...

Love is in the air;

Justin Dean Polk,

This guy is my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my whole world. I'd be so lost with out him.

He makes the darkest times seem so much better. He pushes me to do my best, even when our relationship suffers because of it. He wants to to reach my dreams just as much as I do. He makes me laugh, he's taught me to laugh at myself, something I used to think impossible. He turns downs in to ups, always see's the positive in negative situations. He puts up with my overbearing, overreacting, super anoyying self. But most of all, he loves me, and every fucked up, mean, anoyying, thing about me. He's taught me to love myself, he makes me feel beautiful, he can make me laugh at anything. He makes me happier than I ever thought possible.

2011.

You've been a crazy year, that's for sure.

I graduated HS,

got my first car,

ruined my first car,

got my CNA license,

I loved & lost,

saw NYC,

got my first legit job,

bought my first car all on my own.

enrolled in college,

& I'm going to leave out all the crazy in between details :) Let's hope 2012 is just as exciting!